Parashat HaShavua - Ki Tetze

כִּי־יִקַּח אִישׁ אִשָּׁה חֲדָשָׁה לֹא יֵצֵא בַּצָּבָא וְלֹא־יַעֲבֹר עָלָיו לְכל־דָּבָר נָקִי יִהְיֶה לְבֵיתוֹ שָׁנָה אֶחָת וְשִׂמַּח אֶת־אִשְׁתּוֹ אֲשֶׁר־לָקָח׃

When a man has just married, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to his wife. (Deuteronomy 24:5)

Our parasha creates an exemption from military service for men in the first year of marriage.   It seems likely that the reason for this exemption is so that husbands are not killed in battle just after marrying.  

The rabbis seem to have given a lot of thought to the relationship between weddings and death.  The Talmud (Ketubot 17a) teaches that If two processions arrive simultaneously at an intersection, a funeral procession must yield to a wedding procession (Ketubot 17a).  Again, the joy of the wedding is seen to take precedence over the need for mourning. 

However, our tradition also dictates that sadness and mourning are not banished from our most joyful moments.  According to tradition, a groom wears a kittel on the day of his wedding – the same garment he will be buried in.  And of course, there is the famous ending of a Jewish wedding – the breaking of the glass, which bids us to remember our mourning for the destruction of Jerusalem.

I find these teachings so compelling at this moment in time.  On the one hand, as we opened school only days after the execution of six hostages, I had to remind myself that a wedding procession precedes a funeral procession – that even as I felt overcome by mourning, my job was to welcome the students back to school with joy.  By the same token, I feel such appreciation for the rabbinic decision to include a symbol of mourning at a wedding.  It reminds me that in these days of sadness and fear, there is nothing to be ashamed of if even in my joyful moments, there is a tinge of mourning.

In a few weeks, we will mark Yom Kippur.  The rabbis teach that Yom Kippur, also called Yom Ha Kippurim, should be כפורים – as joyful as Purim.  At the same time, on Yom Kippur we enact our own deaths – not eating and wearing a kittel.  Our tradition continues to remind us that in life, joy and sadness are inextricably linked.  

May we soon see the day when the words of the Psalmist are fulfilled:

הַזֹּרְעִ֥ים בְּדִמְעָ֗ה בְּרִנָּ֥ה יִקְצֹֽרוּ

Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.

Rabbi Anne Ebersman
EC/LS Director of Jewish Life/Director of Hesed (Community Service) and Tzedek (Social Responsibility)