Parashat HaShavua - VaYishlach
VaYishlach opens with Yaakov at yet another moment of crisis in his life. After just barely parting peacefully from his uncle Lavan, he is about to meet his estranged twin brother, Esav, who is approaching with four hundred men. Fearing the worst, Yaakov divides his family in two in order to give them half a chance at survival. (Gen. 32:4-9)
And then, somehow, at this moment fraught with danger, Yaakov is able to muster a tefillah both beautiful and complex, expressing gratitude and need, recognizing God’s generosity and integrity:
קָטֹ֜נְתִּי מִכֹּ֤ל הַחֲסָדִים֙ וּמִכׇּל־הָ֣אֱמֶ֔ת אֲשֶׁ֥ר עָשִׂ֖יתָ אֶת־עַבְדֶּ֑ךָ כִּ֣י בְמַקְלִ֗י עָבַ֙רְתִּי֙ אֶת־הַיַּרְדֵּ֣ן הַזֶּ֔ה וְעַתָּ֥ה הָיִ֖יתִי לִשְׁנֵ֥י מַחֲנֽוֹת׃ הַצִּילֵ֥נִי נָ֛א מִיַּ֥ד אָחִ֖י מִיַּ֣ד עֵשָׂ֑ו כִּֽי־יָרֵ֤א אָנֹכִי֙ אֹת֔וֹ פֶּן־יָב֣וֹא וְהִכַּ֔נִי אֵ֖ם עַל־בָּנִֽים׃
“I have been made small by all the kindness and truth You have done to Your servant; with my staff I crossed this Jordan, and now I have become two camps. Please save me from the hand of my brother, the hand of Esav, for I am afraid of him, lest he come and strike me, and strike mother and children. (Gen. 32:11-12)
How, at a time when Yaakov needs so much, is he capable of expressing gratitude for what he already has? According to Ramban, it is because he felt he didn’t even deserve what he already had; Yaakov is saying “he is too small to have been worthy of all the kindnesses that God had done for him / קָטֹן הוּא מֵהֱיוֹתוֹ רָאוּי לְכָל הַחֲסָדִים שֶׁעָשָׂה עִמּוֹ.” (Gen. 32:11) One can imagine Yaakov suffering from imposter syndrome, as he was not originally the heir apparent of his father Yitzchak based on birth order or his father’s wishes. To Ramban, it seems, Yaakov is putting himself in God’s hands, whatever happens next; perhaps, he has resigned himself to a reunion with Esav that will not go well; or, maybe, he is hoping that his extreme humility will prompt God to grant him more kindness and save him.
Ramban, when offering his interpretation, makes it a point to sharply disagree with Rashi. According to Rashi, Yaakov is deprecating himself even beyond saying he is unworthy; he is actually saying, “My merits are diminished in consequence of all the kindness and truth that You have already shown me. For this reason I am afraid: perhaps, since You made these promises to me, I have become sullied by sin, which may cause me to be handed over to Esav / נִתְמַעֲטוּ זְכֻיּוֹתַי עַל יְדֵי הַחֲסָדִים וְהָאֱמֶת שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ עִמִּי, לְכָךְ אֲנִי יָרֵא, שֶׁמָּא מִשֶּׁהִבְטַחְתַּנִי נִתְקַלְקַלְתִּי בְחֵטְא וְיִגְרֹם לִי לְהִמָּסֵר בְּיַד עֵשָׂו (שבת ל"ב.”
Rashi thus has Yaakov almost turning kindness on its head, as a negative that has covered up his mistakes and kept him from being accountable…until now. ‘I have gotten so bad,’ he fears, ‘that God can’t help me anymore.’ Interesting that the last straw may have been what just happened with Lavan, when Yaakov snuck away with his family, even though Lavan had clearly wronged him previously; perhaps Yaakov is reflecting that he could have done better even under the circumstances. This understanding of Rashi takes on a distinctly Dorian Gray-ish quality when Yaakov then encounters and is injured by an angel, and must limp his way to his brother. (Gen. 32:25-32) The sins that had been covered up manifest themselves physically due to his encounter with God.
And what of the second half of Yaakov’s tefillah? Recall that Yaakov says he “has been made small / קָטֹ֜נְתִּי” not only “by all God’s kindnesses / מִכֹּ֤ל הַחֲסָדִים֙,” but also by “all the truth / וּמִכׇּל־הָ֣אֱמֶ֔ת” God has done to him. Less interpretation is needed of the idea that God’s truth made Yaakov feel small. The truth, more often than not, can be humbling. And the challenges that Yaakov has experienced up to this point in his life – not to mention the ones he will experience in the near and distant future – are more than enough of God’s truth for one person to handle. To me, contrary to what Rashi suggests, the fact that Yaakov mentions both is an indication that he has not lost his moral compass; he is not a lost cause. Yaakov even illustrates this point within his tefillah: “all the kindness and truth / מִכֹּ֤ל הַחֲסָדִים֙ וּמִכׇּל־הָ֣אֱמֶ֔ת” from the first part can be understand to refer respectively to “with my staff I crossed this Jordan, and now I have become two camps / כִּ֣י בְמַקְלִ֗י עָבַ֙רְתִּי֙ אֶת־הַיַּרְדֵּ֣ן הַזֶּ֔ה וְעַתָּ֥ה הָיִ֖יתִי לִשְׁנֵ֥י מַחֲנֽוֹת.” The staff that Yaakov had to help him cross the Jordan River was due to God’s kindness, while the splitting into two was God’s truth. And Yaakov understood that both were from God, each with its own special significance for him and his life.
May we, like Yaakov, recognize and appreciate God’s kindnesses and God’s truths in our lives and in the world as a whole, and have the perspective and ability to express gratitude for both.
Shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Jack Nahmod
Middle School Judaic Studies Head
Rabbinic Advisor
